Saturday, August 12, 2017

Financial Abuse: The Relationship

Financial abuse starts in the marriage. Restricting spending in a spouse while not restricting it in yourself, preventing your spouse from building credit, not allowing her to work or making her work more to support your perfectly capable self, refusing to put her name on property while requiring her to pay for it, restricting access to accounts, refusing to share money needed for basic expenses, spending more on yourself than on your family, hiding money while requiring everyone to struggle, refusing to work and fully contribute to the family, overspending and hiding debt, taking out credit cards in spouse's name to run up debt and ruin her credit (another variation of refusing to let her build credit or shaming her for debt), and any way fraud is committed.
Remember, the name of the abuse game is power and control. We all have the power to harm or help and when an intimate chooses to harm his own flesh and blood by physical or psychological injury it is absolutely abuse. Financial abuse causes both physical and psychological injury because it sets up a hierarchy. It says to the children, "the only life that counts is your life with me. Only what I want counts. You should, therefore, have to struggle at your mom's house unnecessarily and I will ensure that you experience poverty, hunger, and real need to prove my point."
A man who would deliberately create want, need, and poverty in a home where his children spend half their time is worse than a deadbeat. The selfishness in that is unfathomable. It is abusive to children, to ex-spouses, and it abuses a system. It abuses the good faith of bystanders. It takes advantage of every type of leverage possible to make sure the victim is blamed.
Come on, how long do we have to put up with this incredible lie? This story is getting so old and redundant it's ridiculous. Abuser sets up victim to fail then blames her. It's so perfect and so deplorable. So many people enable this utter crap. It goes beyond morals and into just plain humanity.
If one has the power to help or harm and they CHOOSE, DELIBERATELY, to make their OWN CHILDREN'S LIVES harder, WHY do we simply shrug it off and let welfare take care of it (and then complain about how many are on welfare).
We are talking about men who have the ABILITY to fully and completely provide for their children, but prioritize revenge over their children's needs. Even the "justice" system, who has it structured as a "rights" issue, has prioritized the rights of men to harm and hurt their families over the children's needs. The harm is irreparable. It isn't like anyone recovers financially from such abuse. It is a deliberate leveraging of resources AGAINST ONE'S OWN CHILDREN.
The abusive part is not just the financial leverage worked against one's own flesh and blood, but the lies and deceit used to get there. And then we have to hear how fathers have rights. Those fathers take away the rights of their children to enjoy stability, peace, healing from a broken home, and relative consistency in their socioeconomic circumstances. What does it benefit a child to go back and forth from rich dad to poor mom? What message does that give a child about his worth? If a child sees a parent doing that to their mother, they innately understand it happens to them too if they happen to piss off the parent in power.
I had a wave of recognition and also incredible sadness when I heard a sister's story of how her children's grandparents, millionaires many times over, turned a blind eye to her children's struggle and needs. Kinder, more aware people had to step in to help her children. She witnessed her ex renting huge homes, driving nice cars, living a "large" lifestyle while she was struggling with basic necessities, had no help with childcare expenses, and barely had food.
Stop calling them deadbeats. They're abusers.
I received so many stories of this type of abuse I'm going to post a few at a time. The names of the women remain anonymous.

Abuse during the relationship and financial recovery:

"My ex and I divorced when our kids were 3 and 5 and he started using money to try and punish and control me from the start. He was the breadwinner for our family and I was a stay at home mom finishing my bachelors degree. I was in no position to leave him, and I think he was counting on that to keep me there despite his addiction and emotionally abusive behavior. 

Before the divorce was final, he would give me a check each month to cover expenses for the household. He was spending too much money and it wasn't long before these checks would bounce, so I would take them to his bank on the day he got paid and cashed it right away so I could get the money before his account was empty. 

We had no real assets, as he had been so irresponsible with our money to support his addiction. We did own a nice car, which he usually drove, but both of our names were on the title. We owned it outright and he tried to trade it in to a dealership so he could upgrade to a big truck. He had snuck into the house while I was out to take the title from the safe, but because my name was also on it, he wasn't able to give the car to the dealership. I took the car back and sold it myself, using the money to pay closing costs on our house when we sold it. I knew that if I left it to him to sell the car, he would have kept the money and we wouldn't have been able to close on the sale of the house. 

We had a couple of home improvement loans for the house which we were ordered by to court to split the responsibility for, but he stopped paying so I had to take care of several thousand dollars worth of loans. He had opened a credit card account without my knowledge during the marriage and tried to stick me with thousands of dollars for that account when we divorced, but when I explained the situation to the judge, he did not hold me responsible for that. 

I had to move back in with my parents so my kids could have stability while I worked to improve our situation. He mocked me for that. I had primary physical custody, because that is what he asked for during the divorce. When he later realized that he wouldn't have to pay me as much in child support if we had 50/50 custody, he filed for a change in custody. The judge sided with me on this when I responded that a change in custody was not appropriate because there had not been a "significant change in circumstance," which is the requirement under the law for a change in custody. 

He lost his well-paying job with excellent insurance due to having committed some crimes and spent a few months in prison. When he got out, he had to take a lower-paying job and he kids were no longer covered under his insurance. I had them covered under my employer, but it was more expensive than his former insurance. He would not cover half of their out of pocket expenses, even when given an invoice. When he lost his good insurance coverage, he didn't notify me. I didn't find out until I started getting bills for their medical care. One of my children has autism, and his therapy can be expensive. 

Five years ago he left the state and moved to the other side of the country. He did not tell me that he was moving and did not tell me where he went. He went from job to job and did not notify the child support collection agency for my state when he changed jobs. I usually find out where he is working through mutual friends or social media, and then I report his new employer to the child support office myself. At one point he was about $12k in arrears. The only reason he is close to being caught up is that the state has been garnishing his income tax refunds for years. He has filed several times to have his support amount reduced due to his wages being so low and his recent unemployment. 

I am now financially able to support myself and my kids. I count myself lucky that I was able to continue my education and find a field of work that paid well and allowed me to still spend a significant amount of time with my kids. 

The ex has had no contact in about a year, and made very little contact after moving away. I could take him back to court to try and recoup the cost of the kids' medical expenses, but I feel that that would open the door for him to begin harassing me again and I'm not sure that it's worth it. He has remarried and has three more children.  He claims that he is not employed at times, but I suspect that he is finding work under the table to support his family and avoid paying child support. "

A story of fraud and struggle:

"Narc discarded the kids and I in 2013 and left me with a house that was so far underwater I could see the ocean floor. He didn't pay a dime in child support until the divorce was final. He started to pay but turned around and filed to take the kids away from me so I would have to pay him child support.

Once he figured out that the kids would not be moving with him he stopped paying and then the fight began with enforcements after enforcements. The attorney general is "involved" but are as useless as they come. Have done nothing for me or the kids.

What makes this all the more complicated is that my ex frauded the VA into giving him 100% disability so he's making $3500 a month tax free. The court order is for $920 and after much hassle I got the VA to give me the kids portion of the VA money which is $199.20 for 2 elementary age kids. That doesn't even cover their after school care.

I'm appealing the VA decision because I have tons of evidence that he committed fraud not only in getting the 100% (he deployed to Iraq but his job was to play the piano and check ID's at the gym. I'm not kidding!) but in the form he filled out with expenses he lied to make it look like he had no extra income.

So I'm left to raise 2 kids on $199.20 a month from him where as he alone has $3300 a month to spend on himself.

He got remarried and she's 100% disabled vet and she also gets child support of about $500 a month for her kids about the same age as mine. So for 2 adults and 2 kids that one household has a tax free income of over $7k a month where I'm raising 2 kids on less than 1/2 of that. Plus his "wife" is in full support of my kids not getting any $ because the VA $ is not considered "income".

He has no other children. He is $45k behind. He hasn't seen the kids since Nov 2, 2014."


 "I have 3 kids, 6,12 and 15. I had 3 miscarriages between the second and third, the last ectopic, so I couldn't have any more kids the natural way. I had stayed home with the kids but at this point he pushed me into getting a job right away and then went on about how he was going to stay home doing nothing for two years like I had. Then he found out his employer health insurance funds most of the cost for IVF, so we had the third by IVF. As soon as he was born, my soon-to-be-ex bullied his co-workers into firing him and then stayed home for now 6 years without any real attempt to find work. He cooked the meals but I had to work from home, freelancing with editing and other occasional work, with the baby on lap or beside me. When the youngest was weaned and potty trained, he got increasingly verbally abusive and made it hard to work from home because he kept coming upstairs and picking fights. Then when I tried to move out, he started playing the perfect Dad and stay at home parent. He kept bullying me in increasingly sophisticated ways but will not agree to any child care arrangement, which is required for me to move out (otherwise he gets custody). So we are stuck here because he wants sole custody so he can live off the child support. He has said he has no interest in a personal relationship with the kids, he wanted them to pass on his DNA and as a legacy."


Stay tuned for more stories of abuse. I will be posting stories every day this week. 

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