Monday, May 22, 2017

Ten Ways Family Court is Basically "Handmaid's Tale"

"A Handmaid's Tale" is a dystopian tale of a "handmaid"- a woman basically designated to be a breeder. She is treated as property, has no real rights, and her only value to society is to make children for officials and their barren wives. After the excesses of the world created so much pollution and illness the birth rate fell drastically low, a re-forming of society occurred. In this society, the rights of women and children were reconfigured while being told they were the ones in charge, and the patriarchy was solidified through strict, subversive control of women's status and roles. The society was structured around the lower masculine values of competition, dominance, punishment by death, demanding compliance, and people as property. This was strictly enforced through a pseudo-religious brainwashing regime, and strict control of what was said and done. Handmaids are basically slaves. They are forced to be raped once monthly in order to try for a child in a bizarre ritual that involves the wives of the men who are trying to impregnate them.
In reading this book, I noticed  there are parallels between today's family court and the dystopian society in Handmaid's Tale.

1. A disdain for science
In "Handmaid's Tale", science is deliberately shunned in favor of cultish rituals and unapologetic stereotypes. In family court, the brutal and often surreal actions around parental alienation mirror this disdain for science. Despite having a body of scientific knowledge of cluster B personalities, the dynamics of domestic violence and coercive control tactics including financial abuse, and decades of research regarding attachment, family courts reject all that science and instead operate from an understanding of junk science like "parental alienation syndrome" and worn-out stereotypes of women in general-that women are crazy, gold-digging, vengeful creatures out to get poor innocent men.
Parental alienation is especially dangerous since it flies in the face of research and since manipulating the children is a tactic abusers use, and the use of "parental alienation syndrome" gives the court an excuse to believe the projection of an abuser. In any other area of life, when someone does something wrong or abusive, we encourage calling it out. But in family court, truth-telling is seen as disparaging the other parent instead of protecting the children. Hence, sexually abused children end up in the custody of their abusers nearly 70% of the time. The courts in those cases become accessories to abuse.
Parental alienation is more aptly labeled "domestic abuse by proxy". It is not the same as a parent protecting a child from an abusive parent. Accusing a protective parent of "parental alienation" is indicative of an abusive mindset and possibly a personality disorder. Again, we have the research and psychological science in place to back this up. We just don't have the courts listening to research and solid science.

2. Financial rights of women are taken away
In "Handmaid's Tale", the women had their bank accounts suddenly frozen and handed over to the men. In divorce from an abusive man, this is very common, but even more, a woman can be repeatedly taken to court at great expense. With the advent of 50/50 parenting plans being the preferred situation in the courts, child support is becoming a thing of the past. This makes it easier for men who want to get out of child support to work the system and financially cripple a woman while he benefits. Spend a day at the child support office watching men in expensive shoes and expensive cars whine how poor they are and can't get a job. They are believed and even supported in their lies. The blatant concentration of resources with men with no regard to how it affects children, and no repercussions for men who disobey child support orders is chillingly one-sided and echoes a "Handmaid's Tale." Not to mention back child support is not even taken seriously, especially for richer men. Then women are still responsible for the guidance of the children, for taking one's self away financially is creating slavery and refusing to be a father.

3. Women have no voice
In  "Handmaid's Tale", women are barely allowed to speak to each other freely, much less complain about the system, have a say in what goes on, or have their own voiced desires and pain. They were severely traumatized by having their children and husbands torn from them, then told not to speak about it. In fact, the whole book could be called "Offred's Trauma Journal" as we watch her deal with the extreme and horrid situation she finds herself in and the insidious, routine silencing of women.
In family court, the same kinds of horrid strictures exist. Women who have experienced any kind of emotional, physical, or verbal abuse are cautioned not to speak of it in court lest they be seen as degrading their ex husband. Yet, when they don't speak up, they are blamed for not speaking up and colluding with their own abuse. There is no obedience to a system that will blame you no matter where you turn. The truth isn't even an issue because no one cares about truth in family court. They care about winning.

4. Children are leverage
"Offred" had her daughter cruelly taken from her. Children were a commodity in "Handmaid's Tale" and were to be given only to those of high status. There is such a trend in family court to give a child to an abuser it's frightening. See the above. A woman is blamed for speaking up about abuse, and blamed for not speaking up about abuse. She often goes into a courtroom that has already decided it is stacked against her. Add to that the fact that GALs, therapists, and caseworkers are rarely knowledgeable about the dynamics of power and abuse, and have no clue what a cluster B personality looks like or that it is abusive. This is a set up to punish the children by blaming them or having them end up with their abuser. But the real reason given is that the mother spoke up and that is not allowed in family court. If she does not obey the unwritten precept that one must always speak well of a child's parent, even when they are abusive, then she is blamed for causing difficulty.
Unfortunately, this results in death of children in some cases. Don't believe me?
See this video, and this one.

5. Mothering is debased and tightly controlled.
The culture in Handmaid's Tale is an extreme example of patriarchy. The blame for the failure of the society to procreate is placed on the woman and they are divided into two groups: women who can bear children, and women who cannot. Birth mothers are easily replaced by foster mothers, who also have no choice in the matter. In family court, the whole structure of court embodies traditional lower masculine values of competition, acquisition of property (which includes children), aggression, dominance, control, and power-over. 50/50 parenting is a way of treating children as property and often father replaces mother during that time since he most likely wasn't available to begin within the marriage.
Even men who embody traditional feminine caretaking traits do poorly in court. It is as if holding up the value of "mother" is rejected. And feminine values such as collaboration, cooperation, and mutuality are indeed looked down on, and can't even be expressed within the current structure of family court. Couples who can embody those values, or, as research suggests, men who can embody those values, don't even end up in family court. (see Gottman's research on accepting influence) The family court structure favors the wishes of men and male archetypes.

6. Gaslighting is practically a religion.
The person who can gaslight the court the most is the "winner". In Handmaid's Tale, the gaslighting occurs when the women are told they wanted a society run by females and they have it, when in fact, it is run by the men. In family court, gaslighting is accepted as truth as a man can capitalize on the biases against women and stereotypes of women as emotional, punitive liars. This then gives the man a free pass to continue his control and abuse, and look good while doing bad. He knows that the judge doesn't know, and worse, doesn't care, that he's treated a woman like shit for years. Women are told that 50/50 parenting is fair to them, even though they protest that it isn't fair to children to grow up with an unsafe, abusive, or personality disordered parent.

7. The ultimate goal is to be in service to "the man"
Obedience to extreme oppression is vital in Handmaid's Tale. If you do not obey the rules, no matter how stupid and extreme the rules are, you are at risk of punishment by death.
In family court, a double standard prevails based on the biases, often anti-woman, of the judge. A woman's perspective is rarely valued and is presumed to be anti-man from the outset. Family court was created by men, out of a system that was created by men. Women used to have no rights to their children or spousal or child support. Women and children were the property of men and their humanity was not even an issue. Any strides made in changing child support and spousal support laws are now experiencing a regression. Family courts are a mess these days as they are set up much like the "good old days"; the days before women could vote, the days where children were property and automatically given to the man. Nowadays, evidence of abuse is often ignored to fulfill the goal of denying a woman's reality and holding traditional male values.

8. Cronyism prevails.
In the book, there is a "secret" place called Jezebel's where husbands take their surrogates, their property, out on a "date". The surrogates can drink, smoke, and have "real" sex with their owners, all things that are forbidden in their carefully controlled lives. It is assumed the men do not snitch on each other, and it is also assumed this is a symptom of  a "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" paradigm. In family court, judges can hand down decisions that are so biased and one-sided you know this backscratching happens. Even Donald Trump, the poster child for cronyism, demanded that the "swamp" be drained. The system isn't perfect and cronyism and corruption happens all over the nation in our court systems. But when it affects children, it should be a crime.
The father's rights movement has changed many laws in family court. Often, the men involved in father's rights are abusers themselves and simply acting out of narcissistic injury. I recognize that some men can be berated for upholding feminine values and are as much protective parents as women are, and some women can also uphold hyper masculine values and those are rewarded in family court. But the overall paradigm that is being obeyed is that of extreme patriarchy.

9. Children are property
In "Handmaid's Tale", children were merely coveted property. In family court, children also have no rights of their own. Their voice is not considered and the underlying principle is often "father knows best" when applying "best interests of the child" standards. Their primary attachments are often modified and severed through harmful parenting arrangements, and forced bonding through sudden change of attachment arrangements are traumatizing to children. Parenting arrangements suggested by men often reflect not the kind of parent they are, but a desire to get out of paying child support.

10. Patriarchy is the model of society
In "Handmaid's Tale", the most extreme manifestation of patriarchy is depicted. In family court, many of the same values are in place and the rights of women and children are marginalized and a woman's value is denied in favor of male values. As Bell Hooks writes, "Patriarchy is a political-social system that insists that males are inherently dominating, superior to everything and everyone deemed weak, especially females, and endowed with the right to dominate and rule over the weak and to maintain that dominance through various forms of psychological terrorism and violence." Family court is one such form of psychological terrorism and violence, built by men to serve the interests of men.

Many women have been through the unreasonable, abusive nightmare of family court and readily recognize it as an extreme manifestation of patriarchy. If unreasonable constructs like parental alienation, giving custody to known abusers, ignoring the harmful impact of personality disorders, actively creating poverty in women, and perpetuating the "abusive husband/good dad" myth, then it is absolutely the kind of dystopian dysfunction that mirrors "The Handmaid's Tale." The book feels surreal. But disturbing elements of this horrid, surreal dystopia are found right here in our country, right now, in family court.

Please see my next post on this family court topic:


  1. Amazing post, and sadly so true. I have said before, the Family courts and IV-D courts in America need to be nuked. I don't think there is any "fixing" the problem. There needs to be a complete nuclear wipeout and "do over".

    1. For sure. But father's rights groups have a stronghold on family court right now. A system of men, by men, and for men is not going to be changed or obliterated by men, especially abusive ones. Family court shouldn't even be adversarial to begin with. Criminal charges such as domestic violence and non-payment of child support should go to criminal court, and all other matters should be handled by psychologists trained in cluster B disorders, domestic abuse dynamics, trauma, and coercive control tactics. The system should have strictures in place to make it hard for abusers to further destabilize a broken family, and children with millionaire dads or grandparents should never have to want for anything at their mom's house. It is a travesty and abuse should be taken seriously. Judges know nothing about abuse and honestly, even those judges who are informed are incapable of looking deeper into each case because of time and overload of cases. They should leave those issues in the hands of competent psychologists. Family court just causes more trauma for families. It's awful.

  2. This is a great article. Let me add a #11 - Groups that claim to be for women prop up the males and the system that creates the harm (I'm talking about VAWA $$ and DV staff). As Margaret Atwood interview Time Magazine speaking about The Handmaid’s Tale – “If it were only a feminist book, you would think, in that case, all the women are over here on the low side and all the men are over here on the high side. But it’s more like the way human societies actually arrange themselves, which means some powerful people at the top. The women connected to those people have more power than the men connected to the bottom rank.” “The control of women and babies has been part of every repressive regime in history.”

    1. thank you. Your site is spot on. I forgot about the women who oppress other women Ugh...dont get me started. I wonder if human societies arrange themselves like that on purpose. There is some research that suggests early cultures were based on cooperation and creativity, and if there was someone who was obstructive or domineering, they were shunned because those personality traits hurt the group. I think we have lived in patriarchy so long we don't even notice it is our de facto structure, even in psychological research.

    2. I meant to say, cooperation is how cultures grew and thrived. Dominance and competition were not always the preferred way to develop.

    3. I believe these women are tempted and lured into the good ole boys club, after all the good ole boys club needs those powerful women on their side. Similar to how the "fathers rights" groups changed their name to "parents rights" in the hopes to lure women supporters. A very successful tactic. Give that woman power, let her believe she is equal and watch her stomp her fellow sex into the ground. They know who to call in, which women will sell out, that woman doesn't know she's being manipulated, at the time. Once she does, she's not going to turn back. Don't forget woman can be fabulous manipulators, and cluster B as well. These women are even more dangerous then the men who lured them in.

    4. Totally agree about women narcissists being scarier. I want to say behind every good narcissist is a woman with NPD. I'm biased because of my personal experiences and observations, but wow, female narcissists are absolutely delusional and horrid in their manipulation.

  3. Hello, I would like permission to translate in French this excellent summary of the problems with family courts, for the vOlunteer feminist translation website TRADFEM.

    1. My goodness yes. Do you mind linking back to the original and if you like I could repost your translation here...I have many readers from France.

  4. Very good article. I didnt understand why a few of my FB friends took strong issue against the use of the term PA. You explained it just the right way. Now I feel like I should go through and delete 4+ years of alienation posts, but I won't. I will just thank you for explaining it better. The child support court part really resonates with me as I had an experience where 3 men went before me and received purge payments that were all 1/4 of mine and I had half the time to pay that the judge gave them. And he gave a speech for each of them about the "Fatherhood program" and how he didt believe in putting DADS in jail for nonpayment of support. The first words he spoke in my sentencing were "yeah, I am going to recommend incarceration," which he ended after many unheard thoughts with "unless you pay..." I have no job. I lost it when the illegal garnishment based on fraud caused me to lose my home. I pawned my vehicle title to pay the purge and he didnt know how I did it, so he sent cps out the next morning, knowing I am a stay at home mom with 2 8 year olds, just to check it out, I am sure because she seemingly had no idea why she was there, and let me do way too much talking. Not convinced she was even cps. It feels so pointless to continue fighting in this corrupt system. It would not matter what I had on him, he would still win. It seems like the only way they give children back to their moms is in an urn.

    1. I'm so glad Indigo was able to explain it to you in words that you were able to see the truth for what it is. It's not an easy task to tell a mother who is experiencing DV by proxy that the term parental alienation is responsible for hundreds of thousands of good fit mothers losing custody. An abuser will always attempt to turn the children against the healthy parent. However "Parental Alienation" is only successfully used against women in the family courts. The abuser is projecting exactly what he is doing onto the mother. A mother who dares to protect her child from abuse.

  5. Another fabulous post. Proud to call you my friend. Keep them coming warrior.~Lorrie


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