Saturday, December 30, 2017

Attachment and IFS


In dating world, I get my triggers triggered, which is par for the course and helps give me practice to speak up for myself and my needs, and in a model I will explain later, to become a healed and strengthened person. Life after divorce means that you have to take responsibility for your part in any disasters of the relational kind. Trauma plays a big part in this, for people who have had an upbringing that modeled reciprocity, grace, consistency, healthy boundaries, and an ethic of love are said to be securely attached (according to attachment theory) and according to research, they make up roughly half of the population and will most likely stay married. If you consider that the divorce rate is roughly half, it makes sense that divorce can be correlated to insecure attachment styles. Therefore, it also makes sense that when you go out into the dating word post-divorce, you look to heal through yourself so you have something to bring to the table for another person, and hopefully find one who is consistent and secure.
In brief, in attachment theory, there are three main types of attachment styles: avoidant, anxious, and secure. Secure people have no trouble being dependent and no trouble being independent-both states are pleasurable and they easily attach to people. They have longstanding, stable partnerships that are ultimately satisfying. There is a lot of information on the internet about attachment styles, and you can find brief overviews here, here, and here.
BUT that is not the good part. The good part is not just awareness of your attachment style. Many sites tell you how you can heal and change your attachment style, but do not acknowledge that often, the extreme beliefs and patterns we form as a result of attachment comes from trauma and extreme, rigid beliefs in our families.
For healing, I look to Internal Family Systems. Bear with me, for this can be heady stuff, and IFS is truly innovative in its approach to therapy. For that reason, it goes against a lot of what we've been taught through self-help or modern psychological concepts that have made their way into the common vernacular. 

IFS holds that each of us is multiplicitous in that we have different parts of ourselves we use to adapt to different situations in life. Many people recognize an inner child or an inner critic, but we are so much richer and deeper than we knew, thanks to the development and discoveries of IFS. We get in trouble when we act from extreme inner parts instead of from our core Self. From this book:


“…a major tenet of IFS is that everyone has at the core, at the seat of consciousness, a Self that is different from the parts. It is the place from which a person observes, experiences, and interacts with the parts and with other people. It contains the compassion, perspective, confidence, and vision required to lead both internal and external life harmoniously and sensitively. It is not just a passive observing state, but can be an actor in both inner and outer dramas. Because most of us have had experiences in which we learned not to trust our Selves, its resources are often obscured by various extremes of our parts. In addition, while through imagery I can see my parts, I cannot see my Self because it is the me that is doing the seeing, and in that sense is invisible to me.”


IFS holds that each person’s Self embodies the following characteristics when leading a person through life: calmness, curiosity, clarity, compassion, confidence, creativity, courage, and connectedness. The Self is aptly able to lead a person's parts with vision and strength. When parts arise out of adaptations to extreme circumstances and take on extreme roles, a person is said to be blended. Parts are divided into three categories:


Managers: Managers are about control and keeping the internal and external worlds in check. They protect the system from intimacy, dependency, criticism through self-criticism and judgment of others, or they control through caretaking and focusing on others’ needs.


Exiles: Exiles are the parts managers protect everyone from. Exiles carry the burdens of shame, blame, and guilt placed on the system and are younger, child-aged parts. They are exiles because managers work so hard to keep them “out of sight, out of mind” by denying their needs, feelings, and desires.


Firefighters: Firefighters come when the big feelings of the exiles override the managers’ protections. They, too, serve to distract from the pain of the exiles but instead of managing and looking controlled, they lose control through addictive, extreme activities: bingeing on food, sex, drugs, stimulation, work, or self-harm.


The way to heal is to address the breaches of connection within one’s Self. Connecting Internal Family systems with attachment theory, an anxious attachment style could be seen as a system led by exiles- exiles who flood with their feelings, are needy and clingy, and who look outside themselves for validation and security. Avoidant attachment style could be seen as a system led by managers, managers who seek perfection, who distance through looking for an ideal that doesn't exist, criticize, withdraw, and dissociate. They don’t trust that anyone can meet their needs so they deny them and stay rigidly guarded against their significant exiled needs. They have the same strong exiles anxious people do, but their managers do not tolerate the feelings or wishes of exiles since they also deny those needs in themselves. Secure attachment style is a system that is led by Self energy, and an ambivalent attachment style is a system that is led by firefighters. When avoidants and anxious people meet, they trigger each others’ most extreme manifestations of the parts they are already blended with, and oftentimes this will lead to firefighter behavior. An ambivalent person is already locked into a pattern of exiles overwhelming managers and subsequently going into firefighter activities.
A dating pair can then become a replaying of childhood wounds and patterns, and reinforce each others' parts. They aren't relating to each other as each other, but as managers to managers, as managers to exiles, as firefighters to managers, as firefighters to firefighters, and throw some exiles in there since they are the ones crying out so desperately for peace and healing.
Sounds pretty gruesome, doesn't it? All that protection and fear happening.
Exiles hold burdens in a person- burdens such as unworthiness, shame, disconnection, and fear. The way to stop unhealthy patterns and heal attachment wounds is to heal the exiles and unburden them, and assure them that there is a loving adult (you) who will take care of them and love them, just like you would take care of any hurting child. Staying in Self energy is truly a practice that is lifelong for those of us with attachment wounds. More to come...I know I've thrown a lot of theory out there but it can be put into practice.










Friday, December 29, 2017

Inner Placemaking

The past few months I've been exposed to the idea of placemaking, which at its heart, is a community-based process for creating public spaces that are vibrant and mindful of social health.

From the Project for Public Spaces website:
"For us, Placemaking is both a process and a philosophy. It is centered around observing, listening to, and asking questions of the people who live, work, and play in a particular space in order to understand their needs and aspirations for that space and for their community as a whole. With this knowledge, we can come together to create a common vision for that place. The vision can evolve quickly into an implementation strategy, beginning with small-scale “Lighter Quicker Cheaper” improvements that bring immediate benefits both to the spaces themselves and the people who use them."

Part of that organization's view of placemaking centers on bigger picture of a place, preferring to see it as a whole entity rather than a string of isolated places. I have always been fascinated by the idea of structure, and how our culture looks solely at isolated parts of an issue without seeing the bigger picture of where it goes. Even psychological studies do this...focus on one aspect of a problem without considering the structure within which it is placed. Writers/therapists such as Terry Real do focus on the structures within relationships and he writes that within patriarchy, relationships are going to be unstable and unhealthy.
We also live in a culture that largely values superficiality. Social media both fosters that and combats that, depending on who you read. Often the facade a person presents is valued over the integrity of their character. I love the idea of placemaking for its focus on collaboration and creating shared visions which takes connection. It resonated with me as it is exactly like doing inner work, and also made me think how some people can create and curate an image that is beautiful but their inner life is a tortured mess and they are harmful to others.
Inner work is the art of changing your inner worlds so they are more habitable and also being able to collaborate with others to bring life to their inner places. Paying attention to how we structure our hearts with each other is important. If our hearts were pavement, and we brought life, light and harmony, connection and dancing to that pavement, we would have made a place habitable for others. If we bring a dark forest of fear and secrets, we make ourselves uninhabitable and our forest spits out defense mechanisms. Consequently, when we connect with someone else, it is important that we don't trash their hearts through our absences, fears, criticism, pain, anger, neediness, refusing to take responsibility, refusing to share the space, refusing to care for the place you hold in someone's heart.
And that is the beauty of placemaking- reciprocity. Collaboration takes reciprocity. Anywhere there is a wound, whether a wound of public space or a wound of a private heart, the crux of the wound is lack of reciprocity. Only one person deciding to care for a place doesn't ultimately work. Then it's one person's wishes, desires, and needs and does not consider others. Or, those others have decided not to care for a shared space and have created an abandoned-lot relationship, a wasteland that gets ignored, an anorexic cityscape. In order for the wounding to stop, reciprocity has to enter in, and all sides must have a hand in taking responsibility for what they create.
I just recently thought of this in my own life. I am feeling retrospective about my year with regard to relationships, and what I can learn, and my own inner system. I want to create a place inside me that is habitable by love, rather than inviting others to come trash the place through their absences, blame, shame, or criticism. I have to clean up the parts of myself that take on those messages and continually unburden my insides, much like clearing a dirty lot of concrete blocks and debris. Then I can start to cultivate and curate the people of my heart who give me the words of their heart, who will give as much as I do, whose spaces we can heal and beautify together. It means not condemning the inner children but helping them. That's already happening...have you ever been held while you cry? Has anyone ever said to you, "why would anyone leave you?" or told you you were beautiful? Or that you are not worth mistreatment even when you feel that you are?  Or who heard your guilt and pain? or told you "I'm grateful for you"? Or bought you and your kids gifts when they knew you'd had a lean year? Or who patiently waited for you to work through something even though it was messy and painful? Placemaking of the heart requires kindness and engagement. It is important not to trash our inner places, in ourselves or each other. It involves building shared experiences, shared vision, setting healthy boundaries around reciprocity and responsibility-meaning engagement and regard is reciprocal, and care for the other is reciprocal, as well as cleaning up messes you make.
It corrects messes, just like communal placemaking does in our environment. Placemaking of the heart corrects harm and neglect.
In my heart, I know this is the beauty that washes away the rough spots, the hardened places, the hidden sadness, the ravages of neglect, the violence of insensitivity. This is the kindness we need for ourselves and each other...to make ourselves a place of love in this world, to be able to offer that to the places in each others' hearts.

Friday, December 22, 2017

A New Way

bell hooks' statement that there was not a day that she was not set upon by a predatory man really stuck with me. I asked her about envisioning a new way, and she agreed that was part of our work.
I think many people envision feminism as making females equal within the structure of patriarchy. But females becoming good at stereotypical male values still occurs within a structure of dominance, what bell calls "dominator culture." It's still "Father knows best"- the best way to do something and you'd better keep up and break OUR glass ceilings if you are a woman.
What if more stereotypical female traits such as collaboration, mutuality, nurturing, reciprocity, empathy, beauty, intuition, etc. were placed within a structure that allowed those traits to be valued above the traits of dominance, competition, conquering, power-over, blind ambition, ruthlessness, etc.? It would take some doing to unseat patriarchy. The thing is, patriarchy limits men and creates in them emotional cripples. They lose touch with the parts of themselves that are vulnerable and emotionally available, and parts of them that are other-protective rather than self-protective and self-serving.
I have never thought equality with men meant I try to be "male" just as well as a man. My feminism centers around an ethic of love, where people are valued for who they are and happiness is found in altruism.
I think one path to imagining new structures is to look at existing structures, especially those that existed before neoliberalism and colonialism. Use-value versus exchange-value. In the following video, the pride of the tribe was wrapped up in how much they could GIVE, not how much they usurped in the name of power. It's an interesting way to structure power in a community:

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Solstice churched


"There hasn't been a time in my life as a female that I haven't been set upon by a predatory man."
Thus began my note-taking during Bell Hooks' Q&A in Lexington. I think she is a national treasure, and ever since I read "Understanding Patriarchy" I have been a fan.
Some tidbits from my notes:
"Our job as teachers is to teach critical thinking."
An audience member spoke of all the anger she had. I could relate, since I have an ongoing harassment situation from a predatory man. She quoted Thich Nhat Hanh: "Hold on to anger and use it as compost for your garden." She said there is a place for anger that we can come to to be rejuvenated and resurrected.
"Violence is crucial to the maintenance of patriarchy."
"There is always room for redemption"
She spoke of how people will often choose power over critical thinking and pointed out that awareness is not the answer. Insight is not the fix. She pointed out how raising awareness of incest and the harm it causes actually raises incest rates. I'm sure there are complicated reasons for this, yet I couldn't help but think of the nature of abusers to feed off others' pain, and that awareness was simply blood in the water and sharks came to feed. It's like the #metoo movement, where we bring to light all these abusers yet do nothing to address the system within which it happens. She pointed out how abusers suffer no consequences...they enjoy your company at dinner, you play golf with them...no one shuns them for being abusive. They are fired with bigger pensions and payouts than any woman will ever see over years of a career. Until we give them consequences, and create a place where it is safe for #metoo participants who are triggered to be received with love and support, we are still living within the confines of patriarchal dominance.
And as she points out, that is the opposite of love.
"Any time we do the work of love we are doing the work of ending domination"
"breaking from a dysfunctional childhood is the beginning of growth."
"Let my life be a living embodiment of what I believe" This really spoke to me of having integrity and living in love and compassion.
She discussed musing what it would be like to have masculine energy in her home, since most men have not been raised to love bold, truth-telling women.
She was a big advocate for conversation and learning the art of conversation- as in, face-to-face conversation. She said conversation is the best place to learn.
"Love cannot coexist with abuse and dysfunction."
She pointed out that change starts within the family, and this is where patriarchy has its stronghold.  "We know when we are not being loved."
"Who are you opening a space for that lifts them higher?"
Someone asked her about modern art, and she said, "I am sick of installations."
She read this poem:

SHEA BUTTER MANIFESTO

BY EVE L. EWING

We, the forgotten delta people.
The dry riverbed people,
Hair calling always for rain,
Skin turned skyward wishing for clouds,
We stand for blood.
We kneel for water.
For oil, we lay down,
Fingers spread, as if in this way
we might skate across the yellow clay of it all
Like lagoon insects.
So it is written:
Heal yourself, baby.
With the tree and the touch, with the turmeric.
In this world, nothing brittle prevails,
So in this world, grease is a compliment,
No, it’s a weapon,
No, it’s a dream you had, where it was cold
And your mother, seeing the threat of gray at your elbows
And knowing that ash is the language of the dead
knelt, and put her hands on your face like this
And anointed you a protected child, a hot iron in a place of frost.
Recall this, and
Fear no thickness.
Be resurrected, glistening in the story of you.
Be shining.
I love those last lines. "Be resurrected, glistening in the story of you. Be shining."
She quoted the Buddha and this stuck with me: "Do not seek perfection in a changing world. Instead, perfect your love."
I felt like I'd had church...the church of Grace, of God of love, of Goddess of Light, with the High Priestess of Love.
I know what I'll be reading for awhile.

Monday, December 18, 2017

Friendship

Last night I found myself in the arms of my true kin...my dearest friend I made before I even lived in this town, and we have seen each other through all kinds of life changes. She remains, in every way, my true sister of my heart. Two more male friends, who have not a whiff of asshole in them and remind me of the capacity for men to be emotionally available, to not be threatened by my womanhood in any way, who lend a hand to support, and who will meet me in the depths of creative endeavor. I absolutely love living in a stream of ideas, of coming up with ways to work together and partner to bring some grace and beauty and community to the world.
I have felt the weight of my humanity so strongly lately...the places where I strive to maintain some semblance of my self when assaulted by a taker who would always seek to narrate the story, make me small, make up shit about me just for fun, control every aspect of my life. It has been a huge wrestling to know I am human and make mistakes, and to think somehow on some level I deserve this ill treatment, that I truly am less than. It is then I realize I am listening to shame and blame and it becomes a spiritual issue at that point. Where there is shame and blame, there is no room for love. Shame and blame coming from another person whose intent is to diminish and injure me in some way does not require me to take on that thinking for myself. If I do, I betray myself, and I betray him as well, for in holding to myself and saying I deserve, as a human being, consideration, kindness, time, attention, and basic respect, then I say he deserves that too. Enemy-makers do not respect themselves. They can't possibly. Nor can they truly know love.
I am not broken by these actions. Set off-base temporarily, maybe, but these actions drive me straight into the arms of true kinship and love, into the arms of grace, into my worth as a person. It drives me to a reality check that normal, reasonable people don't have a need to scapegoat and control. Normal and reasonable people would care if they'd created a toxic shitstorm of a situation and take responsibility, rather than manipulate the story to leave themselves blameless. Normal people don't say things like, "she NEEDS to be controlled" or "it's too bad I have to take you to court". It drives me straight into the arms of the Divine...to know that "all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) It drives me rest and lean on the goodness that allows even evil in our midst, and to trust more deeply that there is a purpose for my life in traversing this hard path to healing.
I was speaking with someone who said they feared that if someone knew who they truly were, they would not like them. This fear is common, especially among those of us in trauma recovery. But I can honestly say I have friends who have experienced the fullness of my humanity and have never shamed me or blamed me, who have loved me fully, and who I can rest with and be completely accepted as myself. These friends have unflinchingly and compassionately witnessed my pain, anger, insecurity, doubt, and fears without rejecting me. Quite the opposite...they have held me while I've fallen apart. I cannot imagine what it would be like to go through this lifetime never having known that kind of love. And of course, my grateful heart returns their love, without the burdens of unrequited engagement. Maybe this is my Christmas miracle, to shake off a shamer's toxicity and come to the Divine, found in the steadfast love and acceptance of true friends.

From "The Flowering of the Rod", H.D.

I go where I love and where I am loved,
into the snow;
I go to the things I love
with no thought of duty or pity;
I go where I belong, inexorably,
as the rain that has lain long
in the furrow; I have given
or would have given
life to the grain;
but if it will not grow or ripen
with the rain of beauty,
the rain will return to the cloud;
the harvester sharpens his steel on the stone;
but this is not our field,
we have not sown this;
pitiless, pitiless, let us leave
The-place-of-a-skull
to those who have fashioned it.

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Family Court, let me introduce you to Psychological Science

A woman once sat in a psychologist's office, a therapist's office, and an attorney/LCSW's office at different times. She was told her husband had an incurable disorder, one that leaves him lacking in empathy, full of arrogance and selfishness, controlling, critical, and demanding. These experts showed her the DSM definition. They explained his behavior was consistent with this definition and he was unlikely to seek help or even recognize his problem behavior.
Later, in family court, this same person who had been identified as most likely having a disorder, was treated as if he were normal and his superiority was assumed. The same superiority that was labeled disordered by adherents of psychological science was labeled as normal and even preferable by a court of law, and the court granted near-automatic compliance with his wishes. It became confusing and maddening for her to navigate the two worlds, one where disorders are praised and the other where disorders call for treatment, most often of the person victimized by the disordered person.
A person whose personality is defined by abusive manipulation and selfishness and whose decisions are based on a compulsion to control, no matter how good or benevolent they look on the outside, is seen as equal in capacity to someone not disordered in family court.  In other words, the rights of the disordered, buoyed by gender bias, trumps the rights and needs of children.
Family court, I'd like for you to meet Psychological Science. It's been identifying ways to help people live fuller, more satisfying lives for years using principles from science, philosophy, and humanism. It has a long history of research and enriches our daily lives. But for some reason you do not recognize nor do you care to be educated about psychology. Instead, you embrace useless platitudes such as "it takes two to tango" over a more useful platitude such as "it takes one bad apple to spoil the whole bunch." You allow the destructive dynamics of abuse of power to be carried on under the guise of seemingly civil proceedings. There is nothing civil about poverty, abuse, or continuation of trauma. Instead of dealing with these problems, you silence women and do not allow them to speak. Women are routinely told not to accuse their ex husbands of abuse, despite the research that shows women rarely lie about abuse issues.
I am assuming every cluster B disordered person that goes to family court is abusive, just by virtue of the fact that demanding automatic compliance but not being able to reciprocate is abusive. Needing to control time, finances, and what the children do, and using all available resources to gain power is abusive. Going farther than that, not every man who abuses is disordered. There may be other reasons for their dysfunction.

"Experts and litigants alike report that custody courts commonly do not recognize domestic violence and child abuse,6 fail to understand their implications for children and parenting,7 and turn against mothers and children who insist on pressing claims of abuse by a father in custody litigation.8"

Your very own Department of Justice has just published a study that it funded. This study has exposed one of your most barbaric practices-upholding the rights of disordered men who sexually and physically abuse their former partners and children. Not just upholding, preferring they have more rights.
"Where MacKinnon pointed out the male-gendered assumptions often hidden within law and culture, an extensive scholarly literature and thousands of reports from the field suggest that men’s violence in the family is often rendered invisible by family court practices."

 "Scholarly and practitioner critiques of courts’ treatment of women and children alleging abuse by fathers are legion."

"More in-depth empirical research has examined the lack of expertise in domestic violence and child abuse—particularly child sexual abuse—among forensic custody evaluators, who are relied on heavily by the courts.19"


"The two professional spheres—domestic violence and protective parent experts and advocates on the one hand, and family court researchers and practitioners on the other—remain largely distinct, and disinclined to trust each other’s perspectives.49 Consequently, domestic violence and child abuse concerns remain only minimally integrated into standard family court practices.50"

Despite having no standardized training or knowledge of abuse, family court seeks to place its own labels on psychological phenomena. For instance, it is well known that physical, sexual, economic, emotional violence will impact a woman negatively. There is a researched and documented cycle of abuse and a researched criteria for personality disorders. However, this research is ignored in favor of terms like "alienator" or "alienation", concepts which have no scientific validity. An abused woman protecting her children from her abuser is a smart, thinking woman. Why wouldn't she? It's not alienation, it's protection.

"PA’s role in custody and abuse cases has been widely decried by the domestic violence field. By re-framing a mother who seeks to protect her child from abuse as a pathological or vengeful liar who is severely “emotionally abusing” her children by falsely teaching them to hate and fear their father, PA theory makes a self-described  “protective parent” persona non grata.33"

If a woman can walk into family court and have no protection for herself or her children against an abuser, the problem is larger than law-it's misogyny. This trickles down into other aspects that will ultimately place advantage with men and disadvantage women, such as custody and economics. Even if the pay gap is decreasing, cultural affinity towards fathers remains high at the exclusion of mothers. Women are routinely dismissed and not believed (see the #metoo movement). But we can't just change believing women about one thing and then dismiss everything else.
Instead of science-the science of attachment and abuse (scapegoating, c-PTSD, trauma bonding, Stockholm syndrome, cluster B personality disorders) the court plays out politics, archaic biases, fabricated syndromes, and playing psychologist without actually being one. Ultimately, the interests of white men are upheld, even by other women.


Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Triggering

I've had some pretty cool conversations with friends over the past few days. With all of the media around sexual harassment and the holidays, come the triggers. Triggers are, to me, anything that reminds you of a time when you were threatened in any way...in which your ability to survive would be crippled in some way. This could be child abuse or a motion-happy controlling ex, or both. Or, to put it simply as Bessel Van Der Kolk does, it is a time when you were not seen, heard, or taken into account. Violence inherently does that, but there are myriad ways to be dehumanized. Hidden sexual abuse is indicative of a larger cultural problem of misogyny.
Triggers are when your body gets energized, ready for defense. They are also happening when you dissociate. If you work, "co-parent", or otherwise have to see your abuser, the triggers will not go away without a fight and some deep inner work. It is a feeling of being trapped...of knowing you have to see or speak to this person who isn't safe and dreading it. The trauma might manifest in crying, depression, intense anger, anxiety, and feelings of fear or dread. If you are prone to dissociation, the trauma also manifests in numbing, forgetfulness, a spacy feeling, and feeling as if you are moving through life as a detached outsider to everything. I can always tell when someone dissociates as a result of a trigger because their voice goes flat, monotone, or they speak as if a robot. My own dissociation comes when I forget things and act very ADD-like.
I was speaking with a friend and she asked me if the triggers ever go away. In my experience, they do not go away but you learn how to manage them. You would not want them to go away, anyway. In being around personality disordered-people I SHOULD be triggered because their behavior is harmful, illogical, irrational, downright cruel, and completely unswayed by the humanity of other people. That is not a normal way to live and a trigger of some sort should happen. Those who support the disordered are just as triggering and somewhere along the way they have lost their own humanity to so completely support abuse.
 "The ingenuity of self-deception is inexhaustible." -Hannah Moore
To deal with the triggers, first of all, clean house. If the person who harmed you is still going to be at family gatherings, then make a plan to avoid that person as much as possible. It is ok to "divorce" unhealthy family members and doing that will help you retain your sanity. Remember, it is dysfunctional to deny facts. It is dysfunctional to have wide disparities between words and actions. It is dysfunctional to have high enmeshment. It is dysfunctional to have a scapegoat and it is dysfunctional to gaslight. I grew up in a family that pretended a pedophile was normal and swept harmful information under the rug in order to uphold the visage of "happy family.". Anyone who told the truth was shunned, even though the truth was documented and unavoidable. I completely understand how skewed families can become and how powerful denial, as a force, can be. Gaslighting comes on to protect the denial. Someone pretending to be logical and intellectual while not actually being able to contextualize or integrate information is someone who, to me, is dangerous and not trustworthy. They worship logic while acting in an illogical manner. Having information does not make you a nice person, does not give you the capacity to correct yourself, and does not unfreeze your unempathetic heart. Now that I'm grown, I see how important it is to tell the truth and it is ok to cut people out of your life who are harmful and don't care, or worse, relish and enjoy any harm they cause you.
If, for whatever reason, it is unavoidable, make sure you have the support of trusted family members. If you are the family scapegoat, take others who are outside the family with you.  Gain corrective experiences for yourself by speaking up for yourself, by setting healthy boundaries, and by making sure you have plenty of talks with people who do see you, hear you, and take you into account. It's ok to have your feelings. Remind yourself that the monsters do not hold power over you any more and you can handle them now. Take care of yourself because those triggers are a call to grieve, connect, and correct your experiences through caring for and loving yourself, and through connecting with the people who do love and value you. Triggers come about as an energy that protects and helps you adapt to impossible situations. Managing the triggers, and listening to them, is important. In this way, tor-mentors teach us much about life and ourselves. Through observing their compulsions, cruelty, self-deception, lies, and distortions, and then handling our corresponding triggers, we can pull out and rise higher within ourselves and gain greater clarity and devotion to being a person who brings kindness, love, and healing to the world. Isn't that what the holidays are ultimately about? Restoration and wholeness....love and truth....being a person who sees and hears.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

For love of goats

I'm sitting on a couch in a bar, knitting a fat bulky yarn, fuzz between needles, thinking of you. You won't talk to me, refuse to, and you won't know I'm thinking of you. But I love you. I love you and I love a lot of people. Is this unrequited? Maybe. I don't know. Maybe it is a cycle of requited/unrequited/not quite there/all the way in. It goes with the moon, it flies like the wind, it is limbic impulse and prefrontal rationalizations of such impulses. I don't know for sure so I drink. I drink to steep my brain in a clear gin bath, to numb my senses, the ones that want to touch you, to be with you, to talk with you and be in your room, to open parts of my heart to you while hiding behind carefully guarded omissions. I love but I do not trust. 
 My yarn is blackish grey, a wool/mohair blend. I think of sheep and shepherdesses. I'm pretty sure right now, emboldened by yarn, that shepherdesses went crazy for want of human contact. For being left alone with themselves too long. If you are with yourself too long you will turn on yourself . You will want to die, or you will want to be born again, a sheep. 
Does a desire always have to be answered? Can't it just be a desire...uninvited, unsatiated, unwanted, unbidden? To have desire, does this mean you are a child, one with human needs that transcend childhood?
Like love. 
The absence of love means keeping goats. More than one friend has said to me, "oh, if that ONE, if true passion doesn't come and open my heart's door  - if I have to give up on love- I will keep goats." 
I will live on the hillside, she says. I will herd my goats, he proclaims. I will be peaceful in my passionless heart and pour all the love I might have had into these goats and that garden and this eternally green pastoral scene. 
I grow conflicted at having this reflected back to me. I have said this same thing in moments of hot cynicism, my heart knotted with rejection, in the "freeze" portion of "fight, flight, or freeze." Most men take flight, most women fight. I freeze. 
Because I know what happens. Love will open my heart only to pour in pain, ecstasy, longing, and beauty and mix it together. It will mix it together and chant "disappointment" over the whole blessed event. It will hold me spellbound and powerless to stop its allure. It will dole out passion and sweetness like a slot machine and me, the drunken gambler, the roving goat lady, the frozen knitter-will stay, mesmerized, lit up from within with hope. Shaken and stirred. Up with a twist. Drink this disappointment and want only more.
 I can't sort this out and truthfully neither can knitting or gin. He loves me (p1) he loves me not (k1) in the round, a nicely brimmed worry; sips from the glass: a graceful cool refrain. 
I think of the machines that twisted this yarn, that hurried it along so it could be skeined and rushed away to sit on some shelf, expectant, waiting for the right knitter. Machines that took an unruly mass of wool, dirty, wild- and washed it, smoothed it, tamed it -made it lovely. As a goat lady, I will never be the right knitter. I will simply be darkly handspun, trying to balance myself, keeping my own love wild.
And sometimes I will even have patience.
Goodnight, my love. If I write more of desire, I will surely scare it away, for those who love do treasure their superstitions and astrology. Just know I thought of you today, and I loved you for that thought, and I will love you more tomorrow, more than anything that twists in the glass or gambols on childhood's pastoral transcendence .

Saturday, October 28, 2017

Love under the banner of trauma

Source: http://joycehuntingtonart.com/product/circle-of-love/


We waited until it was dark and took our flashlights to the beach, along with an empty pickle bucket. Under the clouds and waning moon, our flashlights seemed very dim. We watched and waited until our eyes adjusted and the skittering of ghost crabs could be felt with our eyes. With a small fishing net, my youngest children enthusiastically chased and caught the tiny, translucent crabs. Their small black eyes tilted ever-upwards, we soon amassed a collection of the tiny crabs of all sizes.
"Mom, you have to take out the small ones," said my children.
"Why?"
"Because the big ones will attack them and kill them."
I had never seen that happen among ghost crabs in a bucket, but not wanting my children to stress about the fighting of ghost crabs, I scooped out the small ones and released them. For a long while after that, we chased and caught ghost crabs, only big ones, and placed them in our bucket. They're pretty fun to watch.
Ghost crabbing is a zero-sum game, only about the chase and the collecting, for the ghost crabs are released soon after.
We made our way back to our tent under the thick protection of darkness, bucket empty.

When we are born, we have a place inside very much like a bucket. It's our own Circle of Association. This circle is, in actuality, Love. As we grow and become, our parents and caregivers place things within that circle, that place inside you that holds human needs and powerful associations. If you're lucky, you will have things placed inside that circle that establish security, things such as emotional expression, validation, acceptance of needs, trust, attention, warmth, intimacy, positive regard, encouragement, positive mirroring, and safety on many levels. Love is associated with feeling valued, supported, and wanted in life and allows you to attach to life in such a way that you are able to handle anything that comes your way from this stable inner base, and give the same to others.
If you grow up in a family where things like physical, sexual, or emotional violence, criticism, shame, blame, distance, rejection, invalidation, betrayal, or neglect of emotional or physical needs were placed in the bucket along with some of the positive associations, this will be how you experience love on a very real, physical level. And it will affect your orientation towards life.
When a lot of abuse is heaped in your circle by people you depend on for basic needs, a lot of hurt and confusion about love results. A pattern of sabotaging love begins to develop.
Under the darkness of trauma, we place these big beliefs borne from not being seen, not being mirrored, and not being taken into account, right there with the greatly diminished beliefs that we are lovable, we are capable, and we are worthy. It becomes confusing as a child to navigate so many fighting beliefs, and sometimes hope is killed, sometimes your will to live is killed, sometimes your belief that you will ever amount to anything is killed, sometimes your heart becomes numb and dead. Once we hit adulthood and try to work out our adult relationships, the big beliefs are more familiar in their threats, so we choose people who confirm those beliefs for us, just as their beliefs about love included domination, detachment, rejection, aloofness, denial of needs,  and/ or active abuse.  It helps us keep up the cycle of diminishing the healthier beliefs that welcome us into life, that tell us we belong and we are capable of love.
I was speaking with my therapist about this and she mentioned Stockholm syndrome. When harmful associations are placed in our love circle, we adapt for survival. These adaptations to help us be safe are necessary and fit right in with Stockholm syndrome. My way of adapting is people pleasing, holding back my feelings, walking on eggshells lest I blow up an unfeeling, abusive landmine, ignoring my needs, dissociating, and otherwise becoming a person who does not love herself and who constantly betrays herself. If you are familiar with attachment theory, for me, this is anxious or ambiguous attachment, primarily seen among women. Attachment theory is helpful, but the truth is, these associations arise from a childhood of not being seen, not being mirrored, and not being taken into account. This is trauma, pure and simple. On the flip side, the more "male" side of trauma, is avoidant attachment. Many articles regarding attachment styles and dating tell you to find a secure partner. At my age, that's like finding a needle in a haystack. Men who shut down or run away in the face of closeness are dissociating as their way of coping. Women who chase are engaging in primal adaptive behaviors.
Landmines are a big part of this. Because the biggest, most primal thing put in the circle of love in abusive families is fear. Most of us are familiar with PTSD that develops as part of going to war. I listened to a soldier speak about how when he came home from Afghanistan, he could not drive past junk put out on the street for large trash pick-up day because it would trigger him. In Afghanistan, that meant bombs and it meant someone you cared about would be blown to bits. For him, something that to the rest of us is innocuous became a large threat and he felt that fear in his body as an urge to run, hide, protect himself or others somehow. For those with childhood trauma though, you can add into the psychological conceptual mix those of repetition compulsion, trauma bonding, and re-enactment of childhood wounds.
If you grew up with threats to your survival being mixed with love and dependence, your landmines are going to be tones of voices, unanswered texts or calls, requests for attention, closeness and intimacy, or actually feeling close to someone. You could become hyper-alert to closeness or hyper-alert to signs of rejection, real or imagined. I become a person who agonizes over even something as small as sending a text: "if I text him, will I scare him away?" When all those unhealthy Associations of Love get mixed with a partner's,the circle becomes full of mixed messages, misunderstandings, and double the fear. This increases anxiety in the relationship and unless two partners are willing to work it out, the end of what could otherwise be a beautiful and rich love results.
Navigating the land mines requires the highest form of self-love: gathering corrective experiences. It involves your being able to make the positive associations with love: acceptance, trust, being mirrored, empathy, being seen. It involves tipping the bucket and letting loose the beliefs that are not compatible with real Love: blame, shame, mistrust, fear. It involves having patience and compassion with yourself and others and calming yourself until you gather information about the reality of any situation. It involves knowing that you can provide yourself with real love so you get to the place where you don't need someone else to validate your worth, but you are happy to be with someone and acknowledge your needs for connection and relationship as healthy and valid. No one needs to feel the anxiety of pressure to correct someone else's childhood wounds or unhealthy associations of Love, but having someone willing to consciously witness that journey with us despite our limitations and flaws is incredibly healing.
Drawing a new circle of Love, we can then walk in grace and healing.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Financial Abuse Through Family Court

Enduring financial abuse is like watching someone steal your stack of wood so they can build a fabulous ship, decked out for a journey, captain of his own ship, while you are trying to gather the cast-off pieces from under the water to build your lifeboat.
Except that was not a "his stack, her stack" sort of situation. That stack of wood belonged to the children you had, too. And deliberately making one parent sink while the other parent sails is completely ignorant of the children's quality of life.
It is a parent's grown-up responsibility to provide for their children. It takes a person of average intelligence to see that if you set out to financially cripple a parent through costing them money or withholding resources, then you also cripple your own children. That is the crux of abuse...controlling the resources at someone else's expense, and punishing them through material means. It is abusive to forget this also punishes your own children.
If you dig deeper, and ask "why would someone work to financially undermine an ex?" The answers are found in psychological science and abuse. Remember, abuse of power is about having the ability to help and instead choosing to harm.

Family court and our "justice" system allows financial abuse to thrive over and over. The way the system is set up allows for such subjective interpretation of laws and policies that it also ensures a large margin of error. The problem is, these judicial errors create a quality of life for children that is sub-standard and burdens society.
It's "the Emperor's New Clothes". Over and over and over we hear stories of deadbeat dads who either agree to pay or through the charts are obligated to pay child support and then spend a disproportionate amount of money to get out of paying child support. The easiest way to do this is through 50/50 parenting.  The second easiest is to quit working, or hide income through cash work. Other ways, like moving out of state, not providing an address, and hiding assets, are just as acceptable. As we saw in the last post, 50/50 isn't fair or even. It often creates a burden for the children and a more reasonable ex by letting one disordered person run the show and narrate the story. Constantly.
When a man engages in constant court battles to financially strip his ex, where he could be engaging in good-faith discourse and civil conduct, he gains leverage to get his way, but COMPLETELY IGNORES HOW THIS AFFECTS THE CHILDREN.
When family courts support this charade, this pretending to have no money to pay even the smallest amount of child support while throwing tens of thousands of dollars at family court, they are throwing gasoline on an abuser's fire. They are enablers of abusing children.
Courts don't ask, "Where is he getting this money to hire expensive attorneys and all these motions?" or, "Why isn't he spending that money on making an awesome life for his children?" They ask, "How can we uphold his rights?"
The system is inherently flawed in that it sets up a bullying situation where one person can constantly attack and the other tries to gain footing and counter-attack. No one stops to consider that having warring parents is not good for the children. No one stops to consider that a man who will prioritize revenge over supporting his children should never be given 50/50. No one stops to consider that that man cannot see the big picture of his children's lives and that he should be working to give them a consistent quality of  life everywhere they live, and that no normal man would abide by his children going without the necessities of their life ANYWHERE. Able-bodied men then require the rest of society to take up their slack. Through step-fathers. Through welfare. Through a mother's family. Through watching his ex financially struggle and have multiple jobs while he is working? Hiding money? Someone has to clean up his mess.
And family court became part of making his mess by refusing to uphold its own child support policies, by refusing to consider the bigger picture of a child's life and holding their quality of life as a priority, by refusing to consider evidence, and by refusing to punish able-bodied men who deliberately refuse to work and who deliberately withhold child support. Instead, they punish children and those who are poor, women, and black.
Again, it's a social justice issue. You, the taxpayer, are used to your money going to make the rich richer. But this is one area where you don't have to pay for someone else's kid, someone who is perfectly capable of doing more.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Financial Abuse: The Relationship

Financial abuse starts in the marriage. Restricting spending in a spouse while not restricting it in yourself, preventing your spouse from building credit, not allowing her to work or making her work more to support your perfectly capable self, refusing to put her name on property while requiring her to pay for it, restricting access to accounts, refusing to share money needed for basic expenses, spending more on yourself than on your family, hiding money while requiring everyone to struggle, refusing to work and fully contribute to the family, overspending and hiding debt, taking out credit cards in spouse's name to run up debt and ruin her credit (another variation of refusing to let her build credit or shaming her for debt), and any way fraud is committed.
Remember, the name of the abuse game is power and control. We all have the power to harm or help and when an intimate chooses to harm his own flesh and blood by physical or psychological injury it is absolutely abuse. Financial abuse causes both physical and psychological injury because it sets up a hierarchy. It says to the children, "the only life that counts is your life with me. Only what I want counts. You should, therefore, have to struggle at your mom's house unnecessarily and I will ensure that you experience poverty, hunger, and real need to prove my point."
A man who would deliberately create want, need, and poverty in a home where his children spend half their time is worse than a deadbeat. The selfishness in that is unfathomable. It is abusive to children, to ex-spouses, and it abuses a system. It abuses the good faith of bystanders. It takes advantage of every type of leverage possible to make sure the victim is blamed.
Come on, how long do we have to put up with this incredible lie? This story is getting so old and redundant it's ridiculous. Abuser sets up victim to fail then blames her. It's so perfect and so deplorable. So many people enable this utter crap. It goes beyond morals and into just plain humanity.
If one has the power to help or harm and they CHOOSE, DELIBERATELY, to make their OWN CHILDREN'S LIVES harder, WHY do we simply shrug it off and let welfare take care of it (and then complain about how many are on welfare).
We are talking about men who have the ABILITY to fully and completely provide for their children, but prioritize revenge over their children's needs. Even the "justice" system, who has it structured as a "rights" issue, has prioritized the rights of men to harm and hurt their families over the children's needs. The harm is irreparable. It isn't like anyone recovers financially from such abuse. It is a deliberate leveraging of resources AGAINST ONE'S OWN CHILDREN.
The abusive part is not just the financial leverage worked against one's own flesh and blood, but the lies and deceit used to get there. And then we have to hear how fathers have rights. Those fathers take away the rights of their children to enjoy stability, peace, healing from a broken home, and relative consistency in their socioeconomic circumstances. What does it benefit a child to go back and forth from rich dad to poor mom? What message does that give a child about his worth? If a child sees a parent doing that to their mother, they innately understand it happens to them too if they happen to piss off the parent in power.
I had a wave of recognition and also incredible sadness when I heard a sister's story of how her children's grandparents, millionaires many times over, turned a blind eye to her children's struggle and needs. Kinder, more aware people had to step in to help her children. She witnessed her ex renting huge homes, driving nice cars, living a "large" lifestyle while she was struggling with basic necessities, had no help with childcare expenses, and barely had food.
Stop calling them deadbeats. They're abusers.
I received so many stories of this type of abuse I'm going to post a few at a time. The names of the women remain anonymous.

Abuse during the relationship and financial recovery:

"My ex and I divorced when our kids were 3 and 5 and he started using money to try and punish and control me from the start. He was the breadwinner for our family and I was a stay at home mom finishing my bachelors degree. I was in no position to leave him, and I think he was counting on that to keep me there despite his addiction and emotionally abusive behavior. 

Before the divorce was final, he would give me a check each month to cover expenses for the household. He was spending too much money and it wasn't long before these checks would bounce, so I would take them to his bank on the day he got paid and cashed it right away so I could get the money before his account was empty. 

We had no real assets, as he had been so irresponsible with our money to support his addiction. We did own a nice car, which he usually drove, but both of our names were on the title. We owned it outright and he tried to trade it in to a dealership so he could upgrade to a big truck. He had snuck into the house while I was out to take the title from the safe, but because my name was also on it, he wasn't able to give the car to the dealership. I took the car back and sold it myself, using the money to pay closing costs on our house when we sold it. I knew that if I left it to him to sell the car, he would have kept the money and we wouldn't have been able to close on the sale of the house. 

We had a couple of home improvement loans for the house which we were ordered by to court to split the responsibility for, but he stopped paying so I had to take care of several thousand dollars worth of loans. He had opened a credit card account without my knowledge during the marriage and tried to stick me with thousands of dollars for that account when we divorced, but when I explained the situation to the judge, he did not hold me responsible for that. 

I had to move back in with my parents so my kids could have stability while I worked to improve our situation. He mocked me for that. I had primary physical custody, because that is what he asked for during the divorce. When he later realized that he wouldn't have to pay me as much in child support if we had 50/50 custody, he filed for a change in custody. The judge sided with me on this when I responded that a change in custody was not appropriate because there had not been a "significant change in circumstance," which is the requirement under the law for a change in custody. 

He lost his well-paying job with excellent insurance due to having committed some crimes and spent a few months in prison. When he got out, he had to take a lower-paying job and he kids were no longer covered under his insurance. I had them covered under my employer, but it was more expensive than his former insurance. He would not cover half of their out of pocket expenses, even when given an invoice. When he lost his good insurance coverage, he didn't notify me. I didn't find out until I started getting bills for their medical care. One of my children has autism, and his therapy can be expensive. 

Five years ago he left the state and moved to the other side of the country. He did not tell me that he was moving and did not tell me where he went. He went from job to job and did not notify the child support collection agency for my state when he changed jobs. I usually find out where he is working through mutual friends or social media, and then I report his new employer to the child support office myself. At one point he was about $12k in arrears. The only reason he is close to being caught up is that the state has been garnishing his income tax refunds for years. He has filed several times to have his support amount reduced due to his wages being so low and his recent unemployment. 

I am now financially able to support myself and my kids. I count myself lucky that I was able to continue my education and find a field of work that paid well and allowed me to still spend a significant amount of time with my kids. 

The ex has had no contact in about a year, and made very little contact after moving away. I could take him back to court to try and recoup the cost of the kids' medical expenses, but I feel that that would open the door for him to begin harassing me again and I'm not sure that it's worth it. He has remarried and has three more children.  He claims that he is not employed at times, but I suspect that he is finding work under the table to support his family and avoid paying child support. "

A story of fraud and struggle:

"Narc discarded the kids and I in 2013 and left me with a house that was so far underwater I could see the ocean floor. He didn't pay a dime in child support until the divorce was final. He started to pay but turned around and filed to take the kids away from me so I would have to pay him child support.

Once he figured out that the kids would not be moving with him he stopped paying and then the fight began with enforcements after enforcements. The attorney general is "involved" but are as useless as they come. Have done nothing for me or the kids.

What makes this all the more complicated is that my ex frauded the VA into giving him 100% disability so he's making $3500 a month tax free. The court order is for $920 and after much hassle I got the VA to give me the kids portion of the VA money which is $199.20 for 2 elementary age kids. That doesn't even cover their after school care.

I'm appealing the VA decision because I have tons of evidence that he committed fraud not only in getting the 100% (he deployed to Iraq but his job was to play the piano and check ID's at the gym. I'm not kidding!) but in the form he filled out with expenses he lied to make it look like he had no extra income.

So I'm left to raise 2 kids on $199.20 a month from him where as he alone has $3300 a month to spend on himself.

He got remarried and she's 100% disabled vet and she also gets child support of about $500 a month for her kids about the same age as mine. So for 2 adults and 2 kids that one household has a tax free income of over $7k a month where I'm raising 2 kids on less than 1/2 of that. Plus his "wife" is in full support of my kids not getting any $ because the VA $ is not considered "income".

He has no other children. He is $45k behind. He hasn't seen the kids since Nov 2, 2014."


 "I have 3 kids, 6,12 and 15. I had 3 miscarriages between the second and third, the last ectopic, so I couldn't have any more kids the natural way. I had stayed home with the kids but at this point he pushed me into getting a job right away and then went on about how he was going to stay home doing nothing for two years like I had. Then he found out his employer health insurance funds most of the cost for IVF, so we had the third by IVF. As soon as he was born, my soon-to-be-ex bullied his co-workers into firing him and then stayed home for now 6 years without any real attempt to find work. He cooked the meals but I had to work from home, freelancing with editing and other occasional work, with the baby on lap or beside me. When the youngest was weaned and potty trained, he got increasingly verbally abusive and made it hard to work from home because he kept coming upstairs and picking fights. Then when I tried to move out, he started playing the perfect Dad and stay at home parent. He kept bullying me in increasingly sophisticated ways but will not agree to any child care arrangement, which is required for me to move out (otherwise he gets custody). So we are stuck here because he wants sole custody so he can live off the child support. He has said he has no interest in a personal relationship with the kids, he wanted them to pass on his DNA and as a legacy."


Stay tuned for more stories of abuse. I will be posting stories every day this week. 

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Financial Abuse Series-One

Source: https://homelesschildwelfare.wordpress.com/local-research/


Many years ago I visited Atlantic City. I was helping a ministry group rehab a house and we visited the Boardwalk. I was struck by the experience of abject poverty in the neighborhoods surrounding the rich, glittering, spare-no-expense casinos. That something representing riches was set against a backdrop of poverty has stuck with me. The messages of exploitation, class, and entitlement were received loud and clear. This was the first time I had seen abuse of power so starkly illustrated: the rich ostentatiously flaunting indifference to the suffering of the poor. This was my first real education about how power and abuse work in the world. 

Fast forward to a college class: Political and Economic Power. In my class, I learned definitions of power: "the ability to achieve purpose" and "the ability to help or hurt." I learned about neoliberalism (or corporate libertarianism) and how it has worked by convincing the everyone that their interests align with corporate interests. I learned that the guiding principle behind neoliberalism is to maximize profit while minimizing accountability and responsibility. As a system, it externalizes blame so that profits are preserved and any costs are put on the people. It sets up classes, hierarchies, is economically exploitative, and because now, corporations are considered to be "people" with "rights", it uses government and politics to carry out its oppression of others.

I remember thinking, "I know a place where people are corporations and behave just like this: family court." I had a work group and we even did a research project on child support as an issue to take up using principles of non-violence. Our group included someone who had formerly worked at the child support enforcement office, so she'd seen everything. We could easily see the oppression acted out through economics and how there was a big need to enact social change around this issue.

Child support is a huge issue, with $112 BILLION and counting owed in back child support. It is also a racial and gender issue, for family court judges have little repercussions for enacting gender or racial bias. Their only real requirement is that they act nice during proceedings. It's in their decisions that punish women and minorities that biases are evident. It's an area where the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing, for on paper, we have child support charts and public policy, but in practice, we have sweeping inconsistencies and a huge lack of accountability. Six-figured white men are routinely told to quit their jobs to get out of paying child support. Men walk into the child support office complaining about their unemployed status as they drive off in their new cars, or even drive beater cars and jet off to their exciting international vacations. They don't care about their children's lives when they are with the other parent. It's like they believe their parenting responsibilities get "switched off" during the time their children are somewhere else.Yet withholding child support is not the only way to financially abuse someone. 

When I first started writing this, my intention was to explore my own experience and the experiences of others. I have a circle of friends with whom I've gathered stories, and there was a common thread running through them. Most often, the personality they were dealing with, man or woman, was high-conflict and controlling. Whether or not they were diagnosed or professionals had suggested the possibility of a personality disorder, the stories were basically the same. I sought experiences of women through a national website with over 32,000 followers. This site is dedicated to educating family court about cluster B personality disorders and support women going through a divorce from one or already divorced. On asking, my inbox was flooded with responses. Financial abuse is an issue that has little platform, little attention, but has a huge impact. Women are primarily the targets, and although one can find counter-examples of men being financially abused, exceptions do not negate the structure within which abuse is allowed to thrive. 

It's the abuse that keeps on giving. It doesn't stop after divorce.

One aspect of abuse we don't talk about very much is an abuser's pleasure at watching another suffer. It isn't JUST about enacting continuous power over another, it is about TAKING AWAY something they want and that is a basic human right: agency over one's life.  With emotional abuse, the abuser may have gotten to see his partner grovel and beg for love. With physical abuse, there is obvious wounding. Somewhere, deep down, there is a sense that an abuser takes pride in acting out this demonstration of power over another person. It confirms their belief that they must be in charge and powerful. No where is this more evident than when someone uses their resources to take away the resources of another. There are no bruises, but you can easily see the ramifications of your abusive handiwork: making another work second and third jobs, imposing deep legal debt on them, watching them struggle with bankruptcy or lack of housing or poor housing or lack of food and transportation. Watching them live paycheck to paycheck, sacrificing visits to a dentist or doctor in order to buy food, or to make sure their child has their needs met. Watching your own bank accounts fatten so in some sick way you can think of yourself as the "winner" while watching a former intimate and your own children be put in precarious positions over and over. To an abuser, this is pleasure. It is somehow a victory if you are homeless and without food. It proves your inadequacy, even though it was their attacking that put you in that position.

Maximize profit, eliminate accountability.

But in interpersonal relationships, the accountability is ultimately to your own flesh and blood. Refusal to see the bigger picture of how financial abuse affects them is not just irresponsible, it is abusive to children.

The NNEDV defines financial abuse as:
"Financial abuse is a common tactic used by abusers to gain power and control in a relationship.  The forms of financial abuse may be subtle or overt but in in general, include tactics to limit the partner’s access to assets or conceal information and accessibility to the family finances."

Abuse is leverage over another person's life. It is the privilege to affect another's life without consequence. It is the ABILITY to help or harm and choosing to harm. In this series, I will allow the stories of individuals illustrate how this abuse affects children on a visceral level, and how it affects parents who are targeted for this abuse, and how it affects society. I will look at enablers such as families, culture, and family court. I will explore how the larger paradigms of control are echoed in interpersonal financial abuse, and why it should be considered for radical change in public policy. My hope is to raise awareness for this very important issue and educate people on what it's like behind the scenes and how family court is kind of like socialism for abusers, especially if the judge isn't fluent in all the languages of abuse. Finally, I hope to let people who are in these situations know they are not alone.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

More Vacation Pictures (warning-there's a LOT)


Saltwater cowboys










Chincoteague Island


Just camping with wild horses