Sunday, November 13, 2016

Like a marriage

I see several things in the aftermath of Trump's election. I come from the standpoint of a survivor of childhood abuse and a survivor of abusive relationships with significant others. I have gone through all of these stages that people are going through with regards to Trump. There is much protest and conversation about two things: his sexist, racist, misogynistic, well, you've seen the lists of his bigotry. We all have. But the fact is, the electoral college deemed he represented the people and it was an extremely close call. The other thing that people are putting out there is a lot of fear. I already wrote about why I was afraid. I've been dealing with this type of hyper-toxic-masculinity my whole life. I live my life in gratitude every day for the therapist who led me to God/dess and deep healing. But the fear is real. People have all kinds of "don't feel" responses to this fear: let's all calm down, let's have peace, let's just love, etc. etc. I say no, you cannot come to love until you acknowledge your fear. I think Walter Wink was right on when he wrote that we have to acknowledge our own murderous instincts before we can fully choose non-violence. Truly acknowledging the humanity of abusers means that you do not allow them to act like abusers and instead invite them to act like human beings.
The fear around Trump needs to be felt and then used to arouse righteous anger and mobilize for change. You cannot trust a person whose agenda is based on dominance and control. The fear of this person comes from the fact that their judgment is clouded by limbic drives and not rational thinking. The zeitgeist of these times is that such limbic impulses must be wrapped up in intellectualization. That way, they look reasonable and pretty, arrogant and superior, and are, therefore, confusing. The rest of us are forced to enter into a practice of looking beyond the superficial and seeing the bigger picture. Abusers can't do that. They may have good ideas, they may have solid policies, we just don't know because they approach it under the airs of arrogance, abuse, dominance, and superiority. That's what feels fearful and dangerous. It feels chaotic and it isn't trustworthy.  No matter how civilized it looks, it's still barbarianism.
Remove the abuse, remove the entitlement, and then you can get somewhere REAL.
This is true of marriages, of divorces, of any relationship. Remove the power-over dynamic, and then you can address the issues.
In an abusive marriage, the couple might fight about all kinds of things: money, children, housework, time. None of that can even get resolved until you acknowledge the elephant in the room: there is an abuser and an abused. There is an oppressor and an oppressed. There is a perpetrator and a victim. And perpetrators LOVE to wear the victim dress, especially when their authority and right to be a perpetrator is taken to task. At any rate, throw away that dress...make them really see their abuses, stop them, and THEN you can do human, adult things like solve problems.
Addressing the issue is NOT putting on a smile and saying "I support you anyway, Trump." I don't support Trump. I don't care if he's the President. I don't support Trump any more than I support family court's egregious policies or heart-wrenching racism or homosexuals not being able to have the same rights and privileges I do. Addressing the issue is insisting that the gross and obvious abuses towards humanity stop, THEN the political policies can and will be heard.
This feels so much like the disappointment I've felt in abusers in my own life. They don't get anywhere with anything because they won't address the abuse. Abuse causes complete life chaos. Abusers are the domino flickers who sit coolly memorizing their rules and creating disorganization and chaos in the lives of others. And absolutely enjoying it. As a consequence, they have taught me much about life, love, and what is real, but it's been a NEGATIVE teaching. I have learned through the absence of these things. We, as a culture, have already learned from the absence of tolerance, rationality, compassion, and love in action. Now we have to deepen our learning and get really pissed off so we stop thinking voting is enough or posting Facebook memes is being a worker for social justice. If Trump is here to upset the system, then GOOD. Let's use it to our advantage.
I say he is representative of reaping the benefits of the system, and isn't going to truly address the system. But we will see.
Power to the people.

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