Yesterday, while driving to my therapy group, I was thinking about how depressed I've been lately. I was beating up onmyself..."you are so ungrateful. How can you be depressed? That's so selfish." I looked at this voice and decided it was Depression herself speaking to me.
Here is what she looks like. She is older, she is dressed as if she is going to church, she has droopy eyelids, an expression of fixed indifference and complacency, and a HUGE butt. HUGE. In fact, it is so huge that she wields it like a weapon. She knocks over things and moves without consideration. She mumbles as she moves backwards, bottom first, like her butt is looking for a victim to sit upon and she sits down on me. It is like her butt is the boss and the rest of us are the helpless slaves. (I use 'us' since I am irreversibly beholden to the IFS paradigm of therapy now.) While she sits on us, she mumbles how much we suck, how we can't get anything done, and says even more things like, "you're wearing THAT today?" "boy, you really messed up that class" Of course we suck because we are under her big butt! We are stuck underneath her. We can't move. We can't breathe. We can't see because it is dark. We try to move her but she is so huge and won't listen to us. She simply sits and showers us with mindless, numbing insults with her droopy eyelids. It makes us so tired we just want to sleep.
Fastened under Ms. Depression, I feel as though we are living the Maori creation myth. We must seperate Mother depression (what is she protecting?) and myself, just like the myth. And because it is a creation story, there is the hope of birth.
A depression is a hole, a thumb in clay, a cave. It is a place. One can curl up in a depression and forget about the cares of the world. One can fill the depression with one's sadness, and keep spiraling further inward, seeing more sadness. That is where one is sat upon by Ms. Depression and fixed firmly under her bottom and I just wish she would disappear.
I am going to turn toward her, and really listen to what she is concerned about. I am going to feel gratitude for her, and find out what she is there for. Furthermore, I am simply going to ask her nicely to get off of me!
I believe in winters of the soul, and springs of the heart. I believe in giving spiritual death its dues, and making way for spiritual birth and rebirth. I believe the tree is alive though all the leaves fall off. This is just life, making its way through me as best it can, teaching me about my impediments, helping me to grow.