I have a dilemma, and I suspect it is the dilemma of thousands of women today.
I have never thought of myself as the modern,working woman. Work, in my life as a single mother, was necessary to make ends meet, and I was lucky enough to find jobs that suited my quirky, creative personality. But now, there has been a big shift. Others have known this for years, and just now it is dawning on me:
I love my job. I am passionate about Waldorf education and priveleged to work in this field.
But...I also love my home, and being home with my children, and picking up whatever projects or business ventures (hobbies, really) I want, spending the day in the kitchen.Therein lies the conflict. I MISS tinkering around the house and spending leisurely days alternately tackling and avoiding housework.
I never thought of myself as a career-focused working mother.
But here I am...coming home happy-tired, fulfilled, challenged to grow intellectually and spiritually, feeling like I am contributing to the lives of children and the peace of the world at large, having colleagues to be enriched by...these, too, are incredible gifts. And what a surprise to be fulfilled this way and find such pleasure in work.
Is there enough of me to go around? Of course not. There has been an adjustment on my baby's part, and I have had to bring out the working mother's coping mechanisms: coffee, takeout, and chocolate. My laundry gets done sometimes. I cook on Sundays to prepare for the coming week. I see my husband sometimes too. I am running again to help build endurance, for breathing into all this busy-ness is very difficult. Rhythm? We have one, it's just kicked up a few notches. It is harder to nurture friendships and harder to organically connect with my children....there is more scheduling and conscious effort required.
And creative work? There is faculty meeting knitting, and I still have a CD to record and books to write and submission to magazines to concoct. And blogging to do. These help keep me sane too. They just go very, very slowly now, instead of just plain slowly.
I'd say a long bath is in order tonight!