She is there, ever present. For many years, I have dreaded her...avoided her...tried so hard to rid myself of her, believing that if only I could snuff out that voice once and for all, it would mean that I am healthy. It would mean that there is no one here inside to beat up on me. It would mean I'd be free of the fatigue that accompanied her ruthless attacks. It would mean enlightenment, peace, forgiveness.
I dreaded her. I could not stand her. I was confused by all she was telling me. Was I really that bad? Was it really true, the things she was saying? I just wanted her to go away and leave me alone.
She is a gift. Yes, she really is! I turn toward her and feel curious about her. Why is she here? What is her purpose? Why does she beat up on me like that? I am able to ask her about her work for me...and feel genuinely appreciative for her hard work and the burden of responsibility she carries.
For you see, for many, many years, ever since she came to be, she has been fiercely protecting me. She has protected me from another part of myself...a part that has little self discipline, a part that can be a loose cannon and say things or do things that ultimately get me in trouble. She is there for me in important ways.Now, as I turn toward her. I hold her hand and thank her. I feel she is my ally and can help me. I feel she wants to know that the adult in me will stand up for me (us?) and that is something I can work on.
How freeing it is to not despise one's self, even one part of one's self. How freeing to not feel despised by one's self. What hope there is to be found in this!