Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Inner Critic

She is there, ever present. For many years, I have dreaded her...avoided her...tried so hard to rid myself of her, believing that if only I could snuff out that voice once and for all, it would mean that I am healthy. It would mean that there is no one here inside to beat up on me. It would mean I'd be free of the fatigue that accompanied her ruthless attacks.  It would mean enlightenment, peace, forgiveness.
I dreaded her. I could not stand her. I was confused by all she was telling me. Was I really that bad? Was it really true, the things she was saying? I just wanted her to go away and leave me alone.
No more.
She is a gift. Yes, she really is!  I turn toward her and feel curious about her. Why is she here? What is her purpose? Why does she beat up on me like that? I am able to ask her about her work for me...and feel genuinely appreciative for her hard work and the burden of responsibility she carries.
For you see, for many, many years, ever since she came to be, she has been fiercely protecting me. She has protected me from another part of myself...a part that has little self discipline, a part that can be a loose cannon and say things or do things that ultimately get me in trouble. She is there for me in important ways.Now, as I turn toward her. I hold her hand and thank her. I feel she is my ally and can help me. I feel she wants to know that the adult in me will stand up for me (us?) and that is something I can work on.
How freeing it is to not despise one's self, even one part of one's self. How freeing to not feel despised by one's self. What hope there is to be found in this!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

My mom

Happy Birthday to my beautiful mother. She had a less-than-delightful childhood, but developed a characteristic wit and warmth that has endeared her to many. I encourage her to write a book about her adventures...she is a hairdresser at a nursing home and loves telling stories of the people she serves. The residents "eat her up" they love her so. And her love for them is evident too.
I am quite certain I got my sense of adventure from my mom. She is passionate, for certain. She once invented a teasing comb. I got to see the whole process from start to finish and remember visiting the plastic factory where her combs were manufactured. I don't know how she kept up with a farm, two children, and an in-home beauty shop. She was-and is-one strong woman. I hope I don't get in trouble for telling this story, but when she caught my dad cheating she went and sold all the cattle and bought a brand new 1978 red Grand Prix, white leather interior. And eventually got a new husband. I don't mean to sound flippant, because of course, it was not easy as that, and there are aching miles and crying years to the whole story. There was a lot of pain. As a mother-daughter pair, we have had our sore times to share as well.
Yet my mom has always held fast a certain grace, a willingness, a stubborn sort of love. Somehow we have always come out stronger.
So mom, I hope you know how much you inspire me, and how very much I love you. I am very blessed to have a mother like you.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Rest, little blog, rest

Sometimes, even blogs need to fall asleep for awhile. Singing a lullaby to this drowsy little blog...thanks for reading and while I'm resting, poke around in the dreaming archives...you will find a birth story, Christmas ornaments, a little parenting wisdom, and maybe a spark of inspiration.
Sweet dreams, little blog....when you awake, renewed and refreshed, you will be greeted by a host of kind faces.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Out of the mouths of babes...

Serena:
"Emma and I will be friends forever because we've shared germs since we were babies."

"Cindy is so nice. I really like her."
me:" Awww, honey, that's so sweet...you've found a new friend!"
"Yeah, whenever we tell her to 'Go away' she does! She's so nice"
Me: speechless....(but I explain later....)

Oh 6...you are almost 7!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sunday Making

Painting in pajamas. We painted on fabric too for a very special project.
Untangling and balling marigold-infused yarn.
Plant-dyed spiral weaving...unfinished....a possible project for the 3/4 grade.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

19

Happy Birthday to my "starter child", the one who made a mother out of me, the young woman who, to this day, continues to amaze and inspire me. I love you beautiful Brianna!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Longing For Home

I have a dilemma, and I suspect it is the dilemma of thousands of women today.
I have never thought of myself as the modern,working woman. Work, in my life as a single mother, was necessary to make ends meet, and I was lucky enough to find jobs that suited my quirky, creative  personality.  But now, there has been a big shift. Others have known this for years, and just now it is dawning on me:
I love my job. I am passionate about Waldorf education and priveleged to work in this field.
But...I also love my home, and being home with my children, and picking up whatever projects or business ventures (hobbies, really) I want, spending the day in the kitchen.Therein lies the conflict. I MISS tinkering around the house and spending leisurely days alternately tackling and avoiding housework.
I never thought of myself as a career-focused working mother.
But here I am...coming home happy-tired, fulfilled, challenged to grow intellectually and spiritually, feeling like I am contributing to the lives of children and the peace of the world at large, having colleagues to be enriched by...these, too, are incredible gifts. And what a surprise to be fulfilled this way and find such pleasure in work.
Is there enough of me to go around? Of course not. There has been an adjustment on my baby's part, and I have had to bring out the working mother's coping mechanisms: coffee, takeout, and chocolate. My laundry gets done sometimes. I cook on Sundays to prepare for the coming week. I see my husband sometimes too. I am running again to help build endurance, for breathing into all this busy-ness is very difficult. Rhythm? We have one, it's just kicked up a few notches. It is harder to nurture friendships and harder to organically connect with my children....there is more scheduling and conscious effort required.
And creative work? There is faculty meeting knitting, and I still have a CD to record and books to write and submission to magazines to concoct. And blogging to do. These help keep me sane too. They just go very, very slowly now, instead of just plain slowly.
I'd say a long bath is in order tonight!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

UKASPS*

*undocumented sewing and knitting projects
(in whispering tones)
Shhhhh...the Blog Police might find me out. Yes, I know I profess to be some sort of artistic-crafty-thoughtful woman. Yes, this blog is supposed to be about my creative path and how that flows with motherhood. I am expected to have a genre, and this blog is supposed to lean in a crafty direction. And I have ALWAYS followed the rules, fearing the ever-present "getting in trouble". But here I've been, yammering on about my kids and posting pictures of how cute/pretty/smart they are. I've gone on bitching about my husband. I set about writing about cooking during the hottest summer ever....yes, Louisville was officially documented as being the hottest city in the US this summer. I couldn't even stick to that. I've even taken up with other sites, hanging out with their blogs, chatting at the water cooler, watching out for the boss.
All the while, I am secretly making stuff. It feels a little like smoking in the boy's room to not blog about it. Oooo, so rebellious!
But now I must come clean. Show and tell is the creative-maker-crafty blogger's imperative.And rules are made to be...followed?
I've made, of late:
....a skirt from vintage fabric.....

.....rainpants for Serena...the bolt of 3 or 4 yards cost only $4 from Denver Fabrics. I have enough to make a raincoat too, and rainbibs for Davis.....
.....my Emmaline. I don't even have Ravelry notes up yet, nor am I in this picture. Gosh, that just feels so...so wrong!
Not pictured: My finished Liesl, a pair of slacks I made to go with my Emmaline, and a turquoise linen dress.
Now the list-making has begun...what to make next? Anyone else out there thinking holidays already?
What will be my next UKASP????

Monday, September 6, 2010

Monday

Lose this day loitering-'twill be the same story
To-morrow-and the next more dilatory;
Each indecision brings its own delays,
And days are lost lamenting o'er lost days.
Are you in earnest? seize this very minute-
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.
Only engage, and then the mind grows heated-
Begin it, and then the work will be completed!

                     -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Begin it...that's the hardest part!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

So much goodness!!!!

Wow, the autumn issue of Rhythm of the Home is up...and what an amazing collection of projects and articles. It's always such fun to see what people will contribute.
And, of course, that includes moi. Welcome to my blog if you are stopping by from there...so nice to meet you! (a big-'ole southern-charmed, wide-smiled, waving hello from Kentucky, new friends!)