Thursday, July 15, 2010

I have GOT to make another list!

I like making list. I make lists for purposes of organization, coping, and so I can dream and plan and be inspired to my heart's content.
I am inspired to make a list here. First, I will tell you why I NEED a list of this sort right now. My marriage of late can be summed up in a word/story picture: Girl takes seat in front of bully in class. The class bully torments her, taunts her, teases her in every possible way that is cruel but not enough to get the notice of the teacher. Every. Single. Day. The girl keeps asking him to stop. He, of course, ignores her, which only adds to her indignation and anger. One day, he is particularly bully-like and pestering, and the girl turns around and slaps him. THEN the teacher notices what has been happening and the girl gets in trouble. MAJOR trouble. And what does the boy do? Inwardly, he gloats. Outwardly, he is milking it for all it's worth.
So that's my marriage. It's been a pretty dark place to be. Another story is about the Terrible Nung Guama. The Nung Guama sets out to victimize some poor hapless old woman. She is scared, and the people of the town who come to help her are scared, and say, "Oh, The Terrible Nung Guama, he is a BONE CRUSHER" and in the end lots of nice people conspire to help rid her of the Nung Guama and give her things like poisonous eels and nails and eggs to help defeat this creature. You can read the story here
Again, I could substitute the word "marriage" for Nung Guama. Although I think in the end, I won't conquer my marriage, but rather grow and be enriched by this time. But for now? BONE CRUSHER.You could also substitute "Depression". It truly takes a village to put that monster in a proper resting place. Bone Crusher for sure.

So here we come to my list. It is a list of things I am feeling positive about. Despair prevention, if you will.
1.) My house. I am a messy housekeeper. I am not always organized. However, I have worked to help my home be a fun, emotionally safe, inspiring, creative place to be. I put my heart into my house, and really do try to juggle work, cooking, errands, childcaring and parenting with cleaning. My husband does not like the way I keep house and frequently lets it be known to me how I fall short in this area. In fact, he has a derogatory word for our house because it does not meet his standards. But from now on,. I am going to relish our house and be happy about it and not take on his negativity. I am going to affirm my house as happy and see it for the beauty that it is, and just keep on doing the best I can, which is what I have been doing anyway.
2) Eat, Pray, Love.  It is SO funny that this book finally made its way to me at just the right time. I need to read stories where women cry in the bathroom at night. I can relate! I have heard people say that this book is too fluffy. Please. I am loving reading it.
3) My new therapist. Oh my goodness, people.If you knew how much I dread therapist shopping, you would wonder that I even make it to therapy. But a dear friend of mine, who is also a therapist, gave me a name and number and there I was today, in her office. I have never been so inspired and motivated to do all that undeniably messy and painful personal growth work. Somehow it was like being injected with a big ole bolus of hope. Ahhhhh.
4)My oldest daughters. I watched them today reenact the very same scene they reenact whever they greet each other for the first time. No hellos. It goes something like this:
"You've been in my room!"
"This shirt? This was on the floor!"
"Of my room! And you've been in my purse! You're wearing my makeup!"
"No I'm not! This was a gift from so and so that  I've had for two weeks now!"
"Whatever. I'm going to go into your room and take your stuff. "

It doesn't matter which daughter is on which side of the dialogue, It's pretty much the same. Today, after hearing it for the 5,328th time, it struck me as funny.

5.) This. I love Katie's designs and I want to be the first to have my finished nesting dolls on Ravelry. Maybe I will cast on at the beach. I am still planning on publishing my own knitting designs, but alas, the personal saga has interfered. Such is life. It is a time of growing and gathering, not producing from within right now. I must honor that time too.


  1. I can really relate to this. Thank you for being open and honest.

  2. Sending you a lot of hugs and good thoughts. I know how hard this can be. But you are doing the right thing. Find the things that are working and make as much of your life about those things. It helps the energies around fall into place a little more each time you do it.

    Keep Breathing

  3. your honesty is a beautiful thing. I wish you happiness and peace.


  4. 42?

    Look at the 7-years life-cycles if you haven't already. I don't know too much about 42 specifically. It's 7 years away.

    I'm still not sure about this theory of bullying, but sometimes it stops when you can bear to ignore it, because the bully thrives on the response he gets out of "the other party." (I hate to use to word victim.)

    But I know it's hard not to let it make you boil on the inside.


  5. your honesty is inspiring- be strong.

  6. Cadi, that is a good reminder...that bullies thrive on the response they get. They love to see the other person as weak, when in fact they are weaker.

  7. Hi! I found you via Alisha's blog. I can really relate to your post today. It sounds like my first marriage. I was the girl sitting behind the bully for nearly 12 years. I am now happily remarried but my ex-bully still manages to get under my skin quite a bit. I think he'll always know the right buttons to push with me despite the distance and a new life. It is so important to take a daily inventory of gratitude.


  8. angela, had no idea you were going through a dark time. shame on me for not checking in more often.

    so. uh-hum.

    can totally relate to your (clears throat) husband stories.
    can totally relate to your housekeeping style. i was just thinking to myself. i really should try to be more of a housekeeper and less of a photographer.

    am there with you on Eat, Pray, Love, when I read that book I wanted to immediately hop on a plane and DO that journey. though I have no intention of seeing the movie. i hate when they make my favorite books into movies :-(

    ummm, the kids. yeah, though i'm still in the she just QUIT playing with me, right in the middle stage.

    hang in there. will be back to visit.



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