Saturday, June 19, 2010

There's More To Life

There's more to life than knitting.
shut up. Who let you in?
There is. You are wasting your time with all these things, all this junk around here.
I need to do these things. They help me grow.
Oh really? How are you growing right now? You seem edgy, angry, stuck.
Where's my knitting? Go away.
I'm not going away. I'm your Mid Life Crisis. I'm the one who will usher you into a brave new era of your life.You are supposed to work with me here. What about all those dreams and plans you had for yourself? Yes, HAD. Unrequited love, unmade beds, wasted days, too many regrets, too much wonderin about what could have been. Look at you...you're on the verge of becoming....bitter. And ignoring me will only increase your capacity for bitterness.
Well, why shouldn't I be bitter? Things haven't turned out quite as planned. I have a collection of unmet needs and desires...hopes and wishes...what am I supposed to do with those? There is so much to struggle over, so much healing to do, and I am overwhelmed.
Bitter. Indeed. Life is bitter.

So you are just going to give up and stay stuck? Ungrateful? Full of self-pity? Nice.
Well, actually, now that you mention it, I don't want to stay stuck. I have been thinking about going to go back to school.
Back to school? At your age? Phhhtttt. You can't afford it. You will still have to work. And, you have kids and a household to take care of. You are probably just doing it out of fear, since your marriage is a source of stress and grief these days, and who knows what the future holds.
So what? I am not just doing it out of fear. I have been itchy...unsettled...
For years! And then I come along and make you itch more. I am here to tell you to stop sacrificing yourself ALL the damned time. It's a pleasant illusion that one is indispensably knitting the household together, and so nice to stay in the vision of being needed so much you never leave your spot. It's a lie.
You have a contribution to make...something different, something more than you already are...
It's true. I am feeling intellectually bored. I am tired of feeling not good enough. I am tired of complaining and not effecting my own changes. I am tired of not stretching enough and believing the lies.
Yes, the lies, the illusions. Let's remove the veil together. You can start by lifting the illusion that it is your job to please everyone. I know you want to live an honest and authentic life.
Yes, but how am I going to do this-go back to school? It seems an insurmountable task.
You just start. You have your appointment on Monday to talk to the university...you have resources...you don't have to do it all at once....you can be flexible.
I'm afraid.
Of course you are. But you need to take this step. Otherwise, this will be hanging on to you for the rest of your life.
What are you thinking?
Mmmmmm, maybe therapist. Maybe art or music therapy, since my experience lends itself to that. I was so inspired by my last therapist, and so many of my friends are therapists, and artists.
To be developed and continued.....

5 comments:

  1. I think so much on these things. It is never too late. Never. Now is always the right time. Peace to you mama. Balance too. Balance is where I struggle so very much.

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  2. Love this! Such a creative expression.

    Peace of mind comes when we remember that we are already enough, already perfect and whole and good. God's perfect creative expression.

    Love to you.

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  3. buena suerte, girl. you can do it.

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  4. Don't push that voice aside. You can do it!! Like Kelli said, now is always the right time :)

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  5. Angie: You sound so much like me before I took THE LEAP. Your own LEAP is ahead of you and you will recognize it when you are clear about your decision.

    A book I read years ago called, Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway helped me tremendously. Decide what you really want and go for it. Fear gives you adrenaline to power you through it. What you need will be provided.

    peace

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