For years I knew this in my head, but had not experienced it. Now I experience it with a capital E. I am dissatisfied, anxious, labile. The turn inward is supposed to help me find my inner light. If you don't dig deep enough, you won't be in the dark long enough to truly find your light. I have never allowed myself to stay with the dark like I have this year.
The dark is warm, deep, all-encompassing, safe. The dark is full of shadows and unknown. The dark is all those things I have feared in myself, all the things I must now face. I must face the times I have justified my right to speak in haste or with hurt, I must face my fears and deep, deep insecurity, I must become vulnerable and childlike.That silly, churlish girl I sometimes am, must rest awhile. Only then can I face the pain of being, the pain of forgiveness. It hurts to illumine one's misguided humanity.
I must ache like the bulb in the ground who is hardened and softened by winter cold's whims, who is knocked around and still has the potential to blossom.
When wandering around the inner darkness, and being illumined only intermittently, there is a new discovery. There are springs welling up...of ideas, of strong resolve, of hopeful joy, of intense willingness to set to work, to make something of this "land". There is a wellspring of creativity.
Do you see it? I notice it in people around me...in their complaints, their strivings, their successes, their ideas. There is a we out there...we affect each other...we have each other....we turn together.